sugar and spice. vodka and ice. that's what girls are really made of.


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

85. what i've been doing

i've been busy looking through various blogs which catches my attention

and I've been busy checking my blog statistic referrals and traffic.

and i've been busy checking my recent comments if anybody has left me a message or if people are responding when they read my posts.

I miss my old bravenet account blogs because the search engine there is more user-friendly and I get to isolate the blogs easily for those specific blogs I am looking for, including grouping them into countries. But since I think blogger is more popular than bravenet, I decided to move here.

I met a malaysian friend online in bravenet and her blog was just wonderful. It was simple yet catchy. I even told her that one day I'm going to Malaysia and visit her. She's a very awesome baker. I tried visiting her other malaysian blog friends and it seems that I've come to realize blogging in Malaysia is very popular. Well to their peers that is. My peers are all into multiply, facebook and twitter now.

I enjoyed reading blogs from my malaysian peers. And I discovered that my old malaysian friend from bravenet also moved to blogspot. and I again followed her friends. Visit her blog and you know what I mean.

So. Bottomline. Malaysian blogs are my favorite blogs (aside from the cool graphics they place in their blogs)

Let's start with Kenwooi's blog. He's from Malaysia, and his blog posts are hilarious.  From there, start looking for other Malaysian bloggers and you know what I'm talking about.

What do I look for a blog?

The graphics. I guess. because I'm a visual reader. Probably the reason why most of my post always have a related cartoon attached to them.


why is it so hard to search  blogs that I like in blogspot! and it's not just the blog im looking for actually. it's the BLOGGER. Same age group. Single and ready to mingle.

i love comments. I love feed back. and I love to make new friends. it starts with finding the right blogger.

Monday, August 30, 2010

84. playing hard to get

I haven't really been honest about blogging what's been going on between my boyfriend and I. The last update I had was about our supposed "break-up". As I said, he was okay with my decision. And the idea for us to break up while in this situation has crossed his mind a couple of times already. I had told my girlfriend about it, and she said that I should stick to my word. If space is what I know we need, then I should keep myself away from talking to him, at least for a few days. Well, that space is hard. Not because I am die hard in love with him that I cannot live a day without talking to him. But because my boyfriend and I are so attached with each other that even though we keep telling ourselves we need time apart, there seems to be a magnetic force that keeps pulling us together.

And so all night I drowned myself watching Rubi series online, and all morning I kept watching more. I wondered why my boyfriend.. or rather "ex-boyfriend" hasn't called me up yet. And yes, I was hoping he did because he ALWAYS did call whenever things between us is on the rocks. What I love about him, even though he doesn't explicitly show his sweetness, is that he never lets our arguments last for more than 24 hours. I would always expect that he would give in sooner or later, and I never got disappointed with my expectation. But that's just it, we did not have an argument last night. We had a mutual understanding that we need space.

Maybe that's the reason why I'm not entirely sad and why I don't feel like I just had a break up. Because I know that this is what we need. This is what I need. If he really wants me back, he had to work for it again. And as I anticipated, my phone was ringing. I thought it was just another one of those tele-marketers, but then his name was on it.

However, I did not answer. And he kept calling again. But I kept myself from answering. I already knew what was going to happen. He's going to ask for me back, and promise that everything will improve from now on, and we're back together again just like that. And the next day, nothing really happens. Back to the same old habit again. So I had to resist.

At least he knew where to find me. He knew I was online 24/7. He messaged me and asked me why I wasn't answering the phone. I asked him why was he calling and what was he going to say. He said,  'nothing'. He said he just wanted to call. Then later on he gave me a ring again and I didn't answer. I messaged him back and told him that if he wanted to say something just say it [on instant messaging]. He said it needed to be on the phone. But I still did not answer. I asked what it was about, he just said nothing again. I replied, "you have nothing to say, then there's no point of answering the phone". Just as like Saturday, I don't want to waste our time talking about nothing at all. I would just feel the boredom even more. It yields no interest, no spark, no excitement.

Later on I kept watching the series of Rubi and it kept me entertained and busy for the rest of the day. And like any other "friendly" conversation, I texted my exboyfriend and asked him what he was doing. He replied that he was drunk again. As much as I didn't want to act like a girlfriend, I couldn't resist so I asked him where he was and who he was with. He was at a karaoke bar with his co-workers and he wanted to get so drunk tonight because of too much stress in his life right now. I tried calling him, but he said it was too noisy. I waited until 11pm to call him again, but this time he was already home. I no longer prolonged our conversation. I should resist to show my concern.

Today, I tried calling him again. I found out that he didn't go to work today because he got sick. I wasn't concerned but I was pissed. It was his fault to go out last night anyway. And now he's not going to work? He said he was busy cooking and he can't answer the phone. Frustrating RIGHT? Now it's like HE IS the one playing hard to get. I shouldn't fall for it. I should resist.

"you and your excuses" --- that's what I said.

And he replied, "you just love me, that's why".

Later on, he had settled down his food and laptop in front of him and demanded that we turn on our web cams. I resisted, because like I said, our "break-ups" were never taken seriously. We would just act like nothing happened. And I had to change that. I had to make a point. After few emotionless conversation, he teased again. "you know you love me"... "why are you smiling?"

When seriously I wasn't. I was still emotionless. Besides, my webcam is not activated.
I told him to stop playing around. And the conversation ended for him to beg for me to come back.

Well, we are in a LDR and it has been only 2 days since I "broke up" with him so you might think that, us being "together" again wouldn't make a difference. But the labeling does. He wanted me to be his girlfriend again.

"is that a proposal?" --- i replied.

"take it or leave it" ---- he said.

"Wow" i said, "is that how you would make it up for me? Is that how you win me back? by a "threat" that you will never ask for me again"

I had to resist. I knew it was a trap.. "NO. Make it up to me, and then I'll decide"

He said that he never chases a woman, ever. And that his "offer" was final.

I ignored him.

And later on, he was taking it back. He said sorry. And he said he loves me.

"i want you back"

and then he started bullshitting me with why he wants me back, and that I'm the only girl he wants, and all, oh- you know... those kind of stuff.

But I still said. NO.

I wouldn't let just sweet words to win me back again right?? He STILL needs to make it up to me by actions and not just plans that he will.

He said that he wants the assurance that he owns me.

I said, "okay. I'll give you 12 days."

"In 12 days, it will be our second year anniversary. I will answer you again, on September 11. We'll be back together again but you also have 12 days to make it up for yourself."

He said that I was acting like a kid. And he said he wanted it NOW. He wanted me to be his girlfriend again NOW. (who's acting like a kid now? lol)

Me: "oh, so you're going to get me back through force?"

Boyfriend: "yes"

Me: "you know, I only knew you for 6 days when I answered you back then, its about time that you work hard to get me.. even for just a short while"

Boyfriend: "no, I don't like to"

Me: "12 days"

Boyfriend: "don't ruin my day... I want us to get back together NOW!"

Me: "if I were you I would research on how to court me"

Boyfriend: "if I don't get an answer within 1 hour, then that's it. I'm not going to try anymore"

---after 1 hour----

Boyfriend: "It's already 1 hour. Are we back together? I want it today already."

Me: "12 days"

Boyfriend: "fine"

I WIN!! I WIN!! I WIN AGAIN!!! ... Boys nowadays can be so stubborn. They don't know how to "court" anymore. Winning girls with sweet gifts and romantic serenade are so over. When girls play hard to get, boys just give up and think that they wont have a chance with you. They don't even at least "try" anymore to show it that they are worth your 'yes'.

That's why playing hard to get, has now become a big risk. Because the one boy you like might just be so stubborn to not fight for your love anymore. Then eventually, relationships have evolved that girls even do the first moves too. Our pride as a prize have lowered down. Just like what I did when my boyfriend and I started dating.

But it's still not too late to play hard to get. Now that I know he has invested so much on me already, he wouldn't resist. He just have to play by my rules now.

And if all fails, that playing hard to get also risks of losing him entirely then...
I could just go back to plan Z. That is to win him back all over again... no matter what it takes.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

83. bad girls get everything

I've been so distracted lately that I haven't been focusing too much about the life of my blog. I've been so hooked with the Filipino TV Series "Rubi" and been watching it online starting with the first episode.

Rubi is the story of a woman full of secrets that will destroy the lives of the people closest to her heart once the truth comes out. As someone who’s fed up with her family’s poverty-stricken life, Rubi learns how to play her cards right to get what she wants even at the expense of her loved ones. How far will she go for the sake of her pursuit of power and wealth? Will she give up the man who truly loves her in favor of the one who showers her with everything that money can buy? - source

Among other typical telenovelas wherein the lead characters are the protagonist which are abused in the beginning and given glory in the end, this telenovela is different. The story gives emphasis that the antagonist is lead character. Rubi is always the bad girl. And with other telenovelas that the bad girl is always despised, in this story the bad girl is the one that is idolized.

Well, at least I do.

I have talked to two of my best friends about Rubi and one of them had opposite reviews about the character. My best friend who I know is the kind and peaceful one, dislikes Rubi. Come to think of it, I cannot name any person of whom she had an argument or hatred with (Aside from ex-boyfriends probably). While my other best friend, whom I grew up at least hating one person every year and torturing them in school, LOVES RUBI. What's funny about it is that we even update ourselves about the latest update on the Rubi show. We comment on every scene and every time Rubi does something cruel and yet we find it entertaining.

I guess it shows that those who like to watch Rubi and idolize her, reflects the viewers personality. Any place I get stationed, there seemed to be at least one or two person that I will dislike so much. What's worst with my attitude is that I SHOW my dislike with that person. I like Rubi, even though she is materialistic, a user, and a bully. It's like watching the Mean Girls but worst.

Rubi is the kind of antagonist that will NEVER let anyone get away with it. What's amazing with her is that she comes from a poor family and even though her resources are limited, she will get things done when she wants it. She is the person whom you would love to be friends with but you would be afraid to clash  against with. If anybody goes against her or try to hurt the people she cares for, she will get back at you with a bang. And you should be very, very afraid. Even though you have all the money to get away with it, you should be afraid because she will take your money away from you and you will have nothing to fight against her with.

I idolize her, because she makes things happen. Even though her means of getting it is something "not nice", but her intentions are always good. Everything she does is for her family.

I remember when I was in gradeschool, high school and in college... I cannot seem to avoid not having a single enemy. It's like, I just can't manage to keep my mouth shut. You know? or I can't even just "pretend" to be nice. But noooo... I HAD to show them. I had to roll these eyes. I had to influence other people to dislike them too. I just HAD to start a fight.

I am like Rubi , because I too am defensive when somebody tries to destroy my walls. The walls I am talking about is my comfort zone. When somebody damages my ego or does something to complicate my life in a way that I do not accept, my mind always comes out with these revenge tactics. When I told my boyfriend that I wanted to break up, he said okay as long as I don't do something stupid to ruin his life. He already knows me that much to know what my mind is capable of. But what he doesn't know is that it's just in my mind. Of course, unlike Rubi, she is only living in a TV show. I'm living my life in real life and I am still sane enough to realize that my actions will have it's consequences. I am good with threats. But I don't really do it.

Let's just say, I know.. I am immature. Because I don't easily accept my mistakes. I'm not humble enough. and sometimes, I just don't like some people. period.

82. substance over style

Ever since I started this new blog which was born and dedicated on my long distance relationship, I didn't think that one day I might blog about something else other than updates of my life. By these I meant blogging for advertising purposes, or blogging about blog rolls, or answering surveys, or even participating in blog awards. But I guess blogging about blog awards is going to be an exception this time since I am grateful that, even though I just intend to write and document my LDR, people recognize and appreciate my posts as well.

Although I am not really a fan of blog awarding, I want to participate because I want to also share to my readers and recommend the great blogs that I have found and that I have been following.

The award that I will be talking about in this post is the "A Blog with Substance" award. Although the button is a feminist, I will not limit myself to choosing only female awardees. Assessing the awardees has been a very difficult task for me. For one, because I follow tons of blogs. Secondly, I don't want to limit myself to those friends of mine who have received the same blog award as well. Third, I had to really assess what kind of substance the blog has that makes me read it. (You don't have to do descriptions, I just want to take the awarding seriously since this is my first blog award post)

It is a big deal,it is to me! This award was given to me by Jess of "it is a big deal, it is to me!". She is a new friend that I have gained in this blogosphere (whom I met from 20something bloggers). Although we don't get a chance to really have personal chats to get to know each other, I know I will soon get to know her better as we keep in touch with each other's blogs. Right Jess? I really appreciate your comments because I do feel a sense of communication happening around here.

Anyway going back to business, this award has certain conditions which are:
 •Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
•Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.
•Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

My blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience (in 5 words? crazy. this one's confusing)
Any case, that's the rule so... My blogging philosophy is I believe that writing is THERAPEUTIC (1). And I blog because I LOVE (2) to write and I once wanted to be a JOURNALIST (3). I am motivated to consistently maintain this blog and it's quality because of my BOYFRIEND (4). Even though I also talk about my experiences in TRAVELING (5).

I just had to put my 5 words in sentences because those 5 words won't make any sense in answering if it was a philosophy, motivation or experience. 

And the most important part of this post is sharing 10 blogs that I find with substance. (blogs arranged in no particular order)

1 Jacky.Rants.Stuff. - Jacky is a guy blogger. I found him because of his long distance love post which actually he apologized for because it didn't make sense coming from a person who is actually in a Long Distance Love. Recently, Jacky is M.I.A. (Missing in Action), but I made this opportunity to read his previous posts. It is unusual for me to find a guy blogger, more so, a guy who can actually write something aside from nonsense mumblings with sentences that jump from one topic to another. What's impressing is that, what he does write is actually funny and interesting. I'm not sure if he is trying to be funny but reading his posts and from girl who loves to read cosmopolitan magazine, he already made a hilarious impression. "Hey Jacky, stop being busy and update your blog. I know this award is feminist but I sure hope you put this in your blog too.. lol"

2 JBUDD NEWS - I met JBUDD in a forum I made in 20something bloggers. I was looking for active Filipino Bloggers and he caught my attention because he says he isn't Filipino but he can understand and speak the language. His blog is also interesting because, like jacky, I found another guy blogger that made sense. The content isn't too heavy, but it isn't too light either. He also blogs about food and his secret recipes. My favorite one is the El Frozen Burrito. Thank you Jbudd, making a burrito has never been easy since your recipe.

3 Love, Pink - This time this blog with obvious reasoning comes from a girl blogger. She doesn't say much in her blog since she probably uses photoshop to create her messages but her posts say a lot itself. It's simple, it's creative, it's personalized and it's girly. She is currently on vacation, but I sure hope that when she comes back she is able to update her blog with her beautiful posts. My favorite post is "My Childhood", because she also posted little things that reminded me of the childhood trend in the 90's.

4 MiDniGHt DriVer - Midnight Driver is a Filipino blogger who blogs in our local language. Although it limits him to readers who can only understand Tagalog, I do ask him how he got so many readers. Well he doesn't know and I do hope that one day I get a lot of readers too. What am I saying, how many people would be interested in my love life right? lol. But Midnight Driver's way of writing is different which most probably is the reason why there are a lot of Filipinos following, reading and commenting on his blog posts. His latest post was a poem about the current challenges the Philippines is facing right now. I think either he has the talent or he has too much time on his hands, because the poem was actually a good one. Tell me if you understand it :)

5 Guys, Boys & Men. - This next blog is another feminist blog but of which I also love to read . The title speaks for itself already and the blog entertains me as much as reading Cosmopolitan too. Few of the posts i love is the 11 things man should never say to you & where have all the real men gone? I don't have much to say about what the substance of the blog is, but the blog title speaks for itself already. Simply put it this way, I'm a girl.. and I can relate.

6 Colors not yet invented - Amanda's blog caught my attention because of her header and the poem she displayed beneath it. She is a mommy blogger, but she is different and I find her substance in blogging simply because her blog posts does not revolve around her kid or her hubby. Unlike other mommy bloggers that flood pictures of their cute kids and blog everything what the kids are doing, Amanda keeps the identity of her kid to herself by placing a smiley on her kid's face. lol. I find that cute Amanda. Lastly, I am not really a fan of blogs that blog all about handicraft creations but Amanda's blog keeps me entertained with her own crafts. Like the Woody Costume she made for her kid. You really deserve that versatile award you got earlier this month because your posts are just so as it describes! That's good because it's not boring.

7 Confessions of a Single Girl - I love single girl's blog because it's just like reading the "confessions" portion of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Spilling out juices and stories that are like secrets. Her blog description tells that she blogs about sex and her dating life in college. I hope that when she finally gets hooked she wont stop blogging even if technically she isn't "single" anymore. Her stories about dating this stranger seems like unbelievable but whether it is true or not, it is still entertaining. I'm glad that she has the guts to share her experiences because you have no idea what kind of images pop into my head. Which is fun. Love you girl, good luck in the arena :) and don't forget to tell us what's next.

8 Between me and my thoughts - Between me and my thoughts is blog owned by a Filipina who writes about the randomness things that comes up in her mind. Yes it is random, but I chose to give her the substance award because the content of those random things relate to me. I read it because her posts are personal. It reminds me on how I used to blog before. Just the random rants and whatever I want to write about. What is even better is that we are both Filipinas and that is a fact that I can more than relate with.

9 Amelia is - Amelia's blog is all about her life in "secrets". At first I thought that it was anonymously spilling out her deepest secrets through blogging, which honestly attracted me. But then I found out that she tells her secret through art as the medium. She has been consistent with the substance of her blog, even though she doesn't really explain the reason behind such secret. But I guess creating that piece of art work, is her therapy itself as other bloggers choose to write about it instead. But what makes her blog more interesting is the mystery behind it. Well as some people try to narrate what they feel, Amelia keeps some of the details hidden to the naked eye. Amelia, I hope you don't mind sharing your secret to my readers. The trick is to try to save her secret.. and you will know more about her post. :)

10 A true long distance relationship - The 10th awardee of this award goes to A Lady In Waiting, not because she got a Tiffany & Co. ring  from her boyfriend as a second anniversary gift. I read her blog, not only because she is also currently under a long distance relationship (which obviously I relate with), but she is also taking up graduate school and her course is school counseling. It caught my attention because I am also into the same thing (taking masters and same field), except that I am currently not enrolled in my graduate school but to continue it will be my first priority once I go back home in the Philippines.

and that's the end of my blog award post.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

81. WANTED: a new boyfriend

actually... i want TWO.

I 'm not being a cool bitch but it's just what I feel right now.

The last time my boyfriend and I spent a whole day together, we were able to talk about a lot of things. He suggested for us to break up but with conditions. To put it in simple terms, he wanted our relationship to be an open relationship. He didn't say any thing about him wanting to have a new girlfriend but he did want to focus more on his emerging career (it's not some typical bullshit but working in his relative's company is really keeping him to have a social life). On the good side, he told me that I was allowed to have a new boyfriend. (To be honest, if that was just that easy I would do it even without his permission). He said that when he has finally settled down with his new life in the states, he would go back for me. Such a cliche right? In the movies? ...

I would have said yes. Because I know that if i did want him back I would make it happen myself.

But I didn't. I said, I don't want to break up with him because I don't want to risk it. But then I said that I will still look for another boyfriend. Selfish right? haha.. But I'm just being honest. He said that what a lucky bitch I am because I don't want to be single and I'd rather that my boyfriends over lap each other. He said that it was okay for him but he would have to criticize my other boyfriend first.

It sounds like a silly conversation but with full honesty on saying what we feel inside without offending each others feelings. Earlier tonight, my boyfriend and I was chatting and suddenly I just said I wanted to break up with him.

He just bores me so much. I know being bored isn't a good reason. But I can explain. When I say boring... because there's no interest anymore. No excitement. No spark. It seems that I just want to talk to him because I can't find any body else to talk to. He's always too busy or too tired. He's boring because even though he finds the time for me, we practically talk about NOTHING. And I have ran out of punchlines to keep the conversation flowing. I'm just simply BORED.

Then he starts the drama and explaining...

Him: "I hope you don't replace me that fast and I hope that you will still wait for me"

Me: "Then what's the point of breaking up with you if I'm not going to find myself a new boyfriend and if I'm still going to wait for you???"

He told me that he doesn't want to let me go, but he is setting me free so that I could be happy. I told him he was stupid. I said "you don't know a thing about what makes me happy" 

He's stupid because HE makes me happy and I wish he does something about it. With long distance relationship, communication is very important. But now that even our communication is not that interesting anymore, so what's keeping us together? What's the point?

He said that starting tomorrow he will make it up to me. I said "what are you talking about, we're over" He said that it is better this way that we don't have "labels" so that there are no pressures or no obligations. But like I said, we broke up already right?? what the hell is he talking about? ... I replied with a "blah blah blah whatever". Oh yes, ofcourse I know what he's talking about, it means he doesn't want to lose me and he wants to make it up for me even though we already "broke up".

I'm not going to take it back. It's about time he courts me again. I have to stand my guard. We always try to break up but then we always end the hour later getting back together. Or even though whenever we "break up", nothing happens. We're still treating each other as if we NEVER DID!

I need to stick to my word. HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND. Ignore him, and let him come to you.

For the mean time..... I want a two boyfriends.


Well, for one I'm keeping my current one.

Second, so that someone can keep me entertained while I try my efforts to ignore boyfriend #1.

It's a cliche. It might be conventional. But I need to go back and play 'hard-to-get'.


Qualifications & Conditions
  1. Don't worry I won't play hard to get on you.
  2. We don't have to meet in person, you can just be my virtual boyfriend.
  3. You just have to constantly entertain me, and send me emails.
  4. You're only commitment is keeping me from being bored and 
  5. Never say you're too busy, you've been busy or too tired to chat.
Applicants anyone?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

80. sushi bar & sake bomb

I've already established it before that in the states they refer to the word "rolls" instead of "maki" which is the Japanese term (and what we use in the Philippines too). But I even realized more, as my friend also mentioned, that there are even more variety of rolls/maki's here in the states than in Japan. Hmmm interesting.. and I've noticed that too. I haven't been eating in Sushi restaurants here in the states, but the names of their "rolls" are really unique and interesting. Like dragon rolls, or caterpillar rolls etc.

On the other hand, I still haven't figured out where "california" maki came from. I bet now it does originate from U.S.A. instead of Japan. Hence the name? and since the states do come up with random kind of rolls anyway. California Maki must be the easiest and most popular invention. So which recipe is the original California Maki/Roll then.. the one with avocado? or mango... God, this is making me hungry for some sushi right now. I have to stop analyzing then. lol

sake bomb

This is my first and last time to drink Sa-ke Bombs. What was I thinking? SA-KE! I've had that drink before. The Japanese "rice" drink. *blech* I didn't like it. You might think "rice" drink wouldn't taste good but it's like literally drinking... alcohol that you use to kill germs.

Sake Bombs. the word bomb refers to dropping a shot full of sake in a glass of beer.

Sake + Beer. = worst. 

79. Movie Marathon #7 The Kite Runner

For you, and a thousand times over

I just finished watching the  movie "The Kite Runner" which was released in 2007.

It's not really the kind of movie that was promoted well nor was it a talk of the town. But I watched it because I know that this movie is promising. I believe so because I've read the book. 

F.Y.I. I'm not a book reader. I'm the laziest of them all. But this book was a requirement for school back in college days. And I was proud to say that this was the first book I've read cover to cover since I've read "The Little Prince" in highschool. And that book was just a 20 minute read, with drawings.

The fact that I'm reading this book (even while eating, walking or in class) means to me that it IS a good read.

The setting is in Afghanistan.

I'm afraid I cannot write a review about the book since I practically forgot about it and the movie couldn't of course capture all the details about it. Being a Hazara, a Pashtun or the Taliban, the Russians and the communists are just a few key words I could give you.

So I guess, what I'm trying to point out is to read the book. It is a bestseller, what more do I need to say to convince you?

I'm happy that I got to refresh my mind about the story of The Kite Runner, again. It's not the typical movie I watch like romance, comedy or animation. But it's a very informative movie that helped me become a little bit aware about the culture and history of another country.

"There is only one sin. And that is theft.
Every other sin is a variation of theft.

When you kill a man, you steal a life. 
You steal his wife's right to her husband, his children's right to a father. 
When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth."

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

78. Movie Marathon #6 The Switch

"Look at us. running around. Always Rushed. Always late. I guess that's why they call it the human race. 

What we crave the most is connection. For some people it happens at first sight.
It's when you know, you know. It's faith working it's magic. Well that's great for them.

But that's not how it really works. For the rest of us it's a bit less romantic. It's complicated. It's messy. It's about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities.

And not being able to say, what you need to say, when you need to say it."

The Switch

I don't know what this movie was all about but since I'm a fan of Jennifer Aniston, I decided to watch it.  Let me just say, that it was all worth it. It was a GREAT movie. I've never seen anything like it. Never expected it. And Jennifer's (a.k.a. Cassie) son was a really cute kid.

While I was at the beginning of the movie I just found it so ironic for Jennifer to want a kid of her own regardless whoever the man of her child maybe. She just badly needed to have a child of her own. (I was thinking, why not adopt. lol). Thus, the movie starts with the search of a sperm donor. 

It's ironic because few years back, Brad Pit was still married to this lovely lady. And they had to end this marriage because rumors has it that Brad Pit wanted to have a baby already, while Jeniffer wanted to focus more on her career than having a child. I don't know if that was a good decision, but it did reflect a woman's independence. HOWEVER. It was BRAD PIT! Seriously, I would WANT to have a child with him, even if he doesn't need to marry me. lol. Even if he just donates his sperm. 

I wouldn't mind as long as my son has the genes of Brad Pit.

 "Look at us. running around. Always Rushed. Always late. I guess that's why they call it the human race.

But sometimes, it slows down just as enough for all the pieces to fall into place.  faith works it's magic.

Every once in a while, in all the randomness, something unexpected happens and it pushes us all forward. And the truth is when I'm starting to think, when I'm starting to feel, is that maybe the human race isn't a race at all." - from the Movie "The Switch"

77. Movie Marathon #5 Grown Ups

"Things don't go always as you plan and that's what makes life interesting."

- That line just hit me because ever since I went here in the United States, most of the things that I expected did NOT go as the way I imagined it to be, not even close.

Grown Ups

I love this movie. It's about friendship from when you were young and keeping it until you grew older. I remember the first out of town trip my boyfriend and I had, with friends. These friends were my childhood friends. Well, these childhood friends were actually all boys. One of them was my boyfriend's cousin. (That's how we met, through his cousin). The movie was similar to our trip because I got to relieve the childhood moment being with my childhood friends. But this time we have multiplied because we had our other half with us. I'm looking forward to another trip together. My boyfriend having migrated to the U.S. already, and one of my friends migrating to U.K., an out of town vacation getta-way may be impossible to achieve soon. But I know it will happen again one day. Even if it takes that we have to bring "kids" in the picture :)

I love how the movie ended. Adam Sandler, intentionally missed that 3-point shot and let the other team to win. I myself did not expect it. Usually you'd expect the good guys to win right? But it showed a great deal on what really matters most when we're older. Unlike what I've seen from watching The Diary of a Wimpy Kid & 17 Again, what was important for us (i.e. social status) when we were in school, no longer has that much value when we get old. As we grow older we also become wiser.

It doesn't matter who wins or who got bitter. 
In the end, all that matters is who got better.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

76. Movie Marathon #4 Shrek Forever After

I'm not really the type of person who would be eager to watch Shrek Forever After compared to my liking to watch Toy Story 3. (I'm a Disney fan, what can I say?). Let me just put it this way, I probably watch Shrek, just because everybody watches it.

For one, Shrek is UGLY. Now, being an Ogre isn't an excuse. Why can't dream works create characters which are more pleasing to the eye? Take it from Disney's Monster Inc. They should be hideous because they are monsters... but they are also CUTE!

But to be fair, I think this is the best Shrek series they've produced. Wait, I'm sorry.. I'm kidding myself, I don't really recall how many series they've had and what the stories were. But what I'm trying to say finally there's sort of a lesson we can learn from watching Shrek. Aside from that looks can be deceiving and love is blind cliche. Shrek Forever After teaches us to be careful with what you wish for and you'd never realize what you have until it's gone.

Those are the exact lessons I learned from going to North California for the past week.

I wished to go there, and I got what I wished for. But everything was just total disaster (again). I wasn't able to do the things I wanted to to. I was basically just hanging around in the baby's room all day in front of the computer that I decided to go back to L.A. a week earlier than I booked.

Being at my uncle's house also made me realize that I was better off living under my grandparent's house because I had more freedom there and people didn't really bother me as much as my uncle's mom did. She practically NAGGED my way out of the house. You really won't realize what you have until it's gone and my last few days at my uncle's house made me beg myself to go back to L.A. in my room. I can't believe I got homesick.

So, well.. those are just the simple things...

I still don't like Shrek & Fiona because they are ugly. Thank God the sequel is over.

75. i left my heart in san francisco

"High on a hill it calls to me
To be where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars.
The morning fog may chill the air, I don't care.
My love waits there in San Francisco, above the blue and windy sea,
When I come home to you, San Francisco, your golden sun will shine for me."

I'm home back in L.A.

And man does it feel great to be back.

When my boyfriend dropped me at the San Francisco airport earlier today, I almost cried. But since I swore myself not to, I held it up inside of me. Yeah, I may have shed a tear or two. He said, don't cry. When I was about to enter the airport he asked for a hug and a kiss. I thought I would be able to hug him tight before I leave but I didn't. Instead my boyfriend gave me a loose hug and I gave him a smack on his lips. All along I did not dare to look at him, more so look at his eyes. I had to be strong for him.

I wanted to cry. But I no longer wanted to feel bad for myself.

I sat at a window seat and while the airplane took off, all I could say was "Good Bye San Francisco".

I don't know when or where I will see my boyfriend again. It probably might be months from now or even next year. I'm not sure if we'd still see each other here in the states. But most probably I will have to wait for next summer when he comes to visit Manila. I'm not sure.

Short was my return to San Francisco may be, I did a good job. Yes we have fought almost every time that we saw each other, but our separation was beautiful. Enough to say to ourselves, that this relationship is a keeper. I think I just fell in love all over again.

When I finally arrived at my grandparent's place here in Los Angeles, I started to feel this weird feeling. I felt that I never left the house and this past week was just in my dreams. I couldn't believe that earlier today I was just in San Jose at my uncle's house. And I couldn't believe that for the past days I was able to see my boyfriend again. I feel like I never took my eyes off the computer. I feel like I never left my room or the house. It's either that, or I've been gone for like a month.

Is this how you feel when you leave your heart in San Francisco? Part of you is left behind and you wouldn't know where you really are or where you really have been. While waiting for my plane to board, my boyfriend and I were sending messages to each other.

Me: I love you babe... I'll miss you.

Boyfriend: Love you too.

Me: Take care of yourself.

Boyfriend: Take care of yourself too.

Me: I'm stopping myself from shedding tears. We're about to board in 5 minutes.

Boyfriend: Okay, call me when you get there. Love you babe. See you again.

See me again? ... when? ... next year? .... It's a good thing that as I write this down, my mind is still preoccupied. Too preoccupied to let it sink in that I will be lonely again for the next months. I hope my mind keeps itself that way. I don't want to feel any day of loneliness anymore. I don't want to think that I will never see my boyfriend again until for 8-12 months. I just want to feel that I'm just lazy. Lazy to go out. And to feel that my laziness is stopping me to see my boyfriend who could be just around the corner.

Living one day at a time. Until days turns into weeks. And weeks turn into months. And months turn to the day that my boyfriend and I will be back again. I will come back, San Francisco. And this time you better be good to me.

"My love waits there in San Francisco, above the blue and windy sea,
When I come home to you, San Francisco, your golden sun will shine for me."

Monday, August 23, 2010

74. i'm leaving my heart in san francisco

Tonight is my last night in North California.

I had to cut my trip short due to certain circumstances. But it was the best decision to change my flight last Saturday while I was still paying only additional $16 compare to $80.

It was a good decision, to just fly back to L.A.

Things around here aren't going smoothly as I expected. It really isn't the time for me and my boyfriend to spend time with each other. I have to learn to accept the fact that our life as of the moment, is meant for spending time apart. I have to stop pushing things. I have to stop trying to manipulate situation just to get what I want. I have to give in. But it doesn't mean I'm giving up on our relationship, it's just I'm giving in to the situation and I will wait for the right time for us to be back again in each other arms.

Sometimes, I tell him... "I wish you never had to leave. I wish we could just continue with our lives in Manila." And he would always answer... "This is for our future".

To be honest, I am flattered when people say that to me... "OUR" future. It means whatever sacrifices he is doing now, is towards to his better future which includes me in it. However, whenever he says that, I always tell him "It's your future, we're not really sure that I'm going to benefit from it". Because realistically speaking right? After all these sacrifices, am I really going to be the one to benefit from it? Is it me that he's going to end up with?

Well, I want to. And for him to say that, I guess he wants me to be in his future too.

I just finished watching the movie 17 Again, and I just started thinking about what me and my boyfriend are experiencing now. If you haven't watched the movie yet, I'd tell you a little bit of what it's about so you would know what I'm talking about. The movie is about a boy named Mike, who had a chance to be 17 again. He wanted to go back to his highschool because he had a feeling of regret for choosing to marry his girlfriend over getting that basketball scholarship ticket to college. As he stated it, he grew up, lost his track, and started blaming everything about his current status in life to his wife. He would always say, "if I went to college...". And now, they were in a middle of getting a divorce because of that.

Going back to my boyfriend, it suddenly made me realize what the point of this LDR is for. This is for our future. This is what my boyfriend always wanted. He wanted to start his future here in the United States. That was a plan that he had even before he met me. I had no right to stop him from that. I remember the first few days when we were dating he openly discussed a topic about his future plans,

"When I graduate college, I'm going to the states."

I was like, "oh Okay".

He was like, "And when I say, I'm going there... I'll be there for a long time. I just want to tell you this, so that when the time comes we won't have any problems about my plan."

I was like, "oh Okay, then I'll go there"

To be honest, we were just starting to date and I felt a funny feeling for him to tell me that. It seemed that he did expect for us to last longer. Why would he tell me that so early? How would he know that by the time he leaves for the states we will still be together? I should be happy then. Because he already thought about including me and having a long distance relationship. Rather than just dating me while he is in Manila and then break up when he leaves.

The movie 17 Again, ended with a nice lesson that decisions made in the past shouldn't be regretted. But since I still have the decision right now, I'd rather not push it and force us to be physically together. I will wait. I will trust. And I will think that we are doing this sacrifice for our future. So that when the right time arrives and he comes back to get me. There will be no 'pointing fingers'. There will only be appreciation and happily reaping fruits of labor. None of us will be saying "if only's" but both of us will say "it was all worth it".

So tomorrow... Just as my luck, my boyfriend's driving license has just expired. I don't know how my boyfriend and I will see each other, but I'm banking on it since I'm depending on him to pick me up here in San Jose and drive me to the San Francisco airport. So he must find a way to get here.

And to see me.. for the last time.

I hate goodbyes. This will be the same feeling I had when he left in the Philippines last February. I would isolate myself and stay inside my car, crying my heart out because I couldn't believe it was happening. I knew that day was going to happen but I couldn't believe it was already happening. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. Long Distance Relationship?!

Tomorrow. Even though crying it out makes me feel better than holding it in. I will promise myself that I will not cry. I don't want my boyfriend and I to separate with his last memory of me, crying. We had a nice date at Santa Cruz Boardwalk last Saturday and that was enough for me to go keep and bring back to L.A.

Our original plan was to spend 3 whole Saturdays together (his only day off from work).
We ended up just spending one. But it was a great one.

I will miss him.

I will promise, not to cry.

I will think that we are just in the same state.

I could see him again. (even though it is impossible because of work and other circumstances)

But I will THINK that I COULD see him again.

I will just be 6 hours drive away.

I will just think about that.

It's not that far.

73. Movie Marathon #3 17 Again

Zac Efron Marry Me.

So Okay. After watching Toy Story 3 which was about Andy going to college & The Diary of A Wimpy Kid which was about Greg's life in middle school, I decided to watch 17 Again which was about going through high school all over again.

Just as you know, it is a total coincidence that the movies I chose to watch online were about school life.

These are just the movies that I so wanted to watch for a long time now.

17 Again

This is an old movie, but I haven't seen it. I want to watch it because it's starring Zac Efron. I thought it was a similar movie like Thirteen going on Thirty, where you get to relieve your past and change your future. But then again, if it was... then it wouldn't make so much of a difference right? 

17 Again, is also about relieving your past but making a new and different future. Unlike in the latter movie where a change in the past changed everything about the future, Mike in 17 Again was given another chance to become a high school student again in the present times. It sounds familiar from a movie I've already seen but I can't seem to recall it right. 

Let me see. If I were 17 again, then I would be in college. What would I do? I've always thought about taking a second bachelor degree and becoming a freshmen student again. That would totally be a new college life because everyone would be like, new to the school, and I would be comfortable and know a lot of stuff going on. I've always imagined going on the same classes and being able to go through it smoothly because I've already taking it up.


At 17 I was in freshmen college. And when I was in freshmen, I ran for student council and I lost. I joined a political party so early and became an active member which meant that you would most probably automatically earn yourself instant rivals. That would mean whoever is the member of the other political party in my school. But there were also advantages of being part of the political party because there were like certain sisterhood or brotherhood. Even if you don't like the person but you are in the same political party, you still end up as allies. 

But seriously, if I was 17 again, I think I know how I would handle it and become less of a war-freak. I would have practice early the difference between being professional and being personal. I would have probably gained more friends who are members of the other political party. And maybe, if I was 17 again, I would know how to win that student council election. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't have much regrets. I love my college life and how it all went. Good or bad, every experience was worth it. The movie just started to make me wonder...  

"Yeah, if I was 17 again in this present time, what would I do?"

I would bring an Ipad to school instead of my laptop. That would be so cool.

72. Movie Marathon #2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

I discovered the book "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" from my boyfriend's little brother. He bought it from his school fair and it was a pretty interesting book. What I didn't know that it is a popular book nowadays. I had a friend who has the different volumes and I even saw my former students reading it. Few weeks later, the movie came out. I was like.... "I know this Wimpy Kid...". So it WAS that popular that they already made a movie about it! Is it just me? or am I really behind the trend? lol

So this movie, Diary of A Wimpy Kid is all about his life during middle school. Just like as I mentioned in my Toy Story 3 review, I did not grow up here so I didn't go through middle school. It was 7 years of elementary and 4 years of high school. Nothing in the middle.

My first thought about this movie. Man, this is ONE movie I won't let my kid watch before he actually reaches middle school. I don't know what middle school is really like, if it was exactly like what the movie is showing, (i.e. social groups in school) but I don't want my kid to watch this because I don't want him to start having weird imaginations on his head about middle school.

But I sort of agree that the first day of your school might determine how the rest of your year will be. I remember my first day of high school. It was a different school than my elementary school. I didn't want to start on by giving a bad impression to anyone. I had to step out of my comfort zone and be friendly for a change. I would like to describe myself as anti-social when I was in elementary and I had a few friends. Basically my friends would be my seatmates and my busmates. The year after if I had new classmates, then I would have new friends and forget the old ones. I didn't do it intentionally though, it was just because we had different schedules so it was more likely a relationship based on proximity. The people who you are with most of your time.

So when I transferred into a new school, I knew I had to change. As a new student, I didn't afford to choose friends of course, they were the ones to choose who would be their new recruit. It took until my junior year to really find a social group that fit me well. High school also had social classes, but it was really up to you how you would handle it. But eventually those borders that divided everyone and secluded each to their own group, diminished. When college came, it didn't matter anymore whether who's group of friends you were with in high school as long as you guys went to the same school. It was mostly now a judge of your own character, not really on which social group you used to hang out with back in high school.

Anyway, the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie reminds me of
Bowling For Soup's song "High School Never Ends".

4 Years you think for sure
That's all you've got to endure
All the (total dicks)
All the Stuck-up Chicks
So superficial, so immature

Then When you graduate,
Ya take a look around and you say "Hey Wait!"
This is the same as where I just came from,
I thought it was over, Aw that's just great.

The Whole Damn World is just as obsessed
With who‘s the best dressed and (who's having sex)
Who‘s got the money. Who (gets the honeys)
Who‘s kinda cute and who‘s just a mess

And you still don't have the right look
And you don't have the right friends
Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends

High School Never Ends

Check out the popular kids
You'll never guess what Jessica did!
And how did Mary Kate (lose all that weight?)
And (Katie had a baby so I guess Tom's straight!)

And the only thing that matters,
Is climbing up that social ladder
Still care about your hair and the car you drive
Doesn't matter if you're 16 or 35

Reese Witherspoon, she's the Prom Queen
Bill Gates, Captain of the chess team
Jack Black, the clown
Brad Pitt, the quarterback

Seen it all before
I want my money back!

Now that song is a totally different story.

Wimpy Kid, Mean Girls, High School Musical... All about school social class... What were you in school?
If the outside world is a big school... which social group do you think you would belong NOW?

71. Movie Marathon #1 Toy Story

I can't believe my boyfriend just told me now about this discovery he had (months ago).

He told me "you didn't ask me" ... But how would I ask if I didn't even know he knew! UGh. He could have at least shared it to me. ....*mumble*


I found this out when he said "I watched 3 movies at work today".
I was like "online"?
I'm like "WHAT'S THE WEB ADDRESS!!! TELL ME!!!!" (lol)

The first movie I was so eager to watch was:

Toy Story 3

I'm SUCH a loser and so lame that I haven't watched this movie. I think I'm the last person to have NOT watched it! My friends in facebook were all posting stuff and reviews about this and I feel so left out.
Hey, I'm the Disney fan here!!

Anyway, finally I get to have my own review. My friends DID make me look stupid!!!!(lol) They were like "I cried when Woody died :'(". Since I haven't watched it, all I could think about was 'Thanks for being a spoiler'. But how can Woody ever die?! He's the star Toy of the show! But it might be true.... since people seem to say he did. And it's official, I'm so gullible. Lol.

SPOILER ALERT: Woody did not die!

But I did cry.. just like everyone else said. I cried because of the Movie Theme, of moving on and letting go. I can't believe Andy donated his toys.... But it is a good decision too because now his toys get to be played with. I also felt the sadness when Andy's mom got emotional because he was going to college. I don't think I want to experience my child moving out for college. I guess it is the trend here in the states. (I wish I grew up here so I could have moved out! lol) ... But if I'm the parent, it would be so hard for me. Not because I'm going to be an over-protective mom but because now that I am experiencing a Long Distance Relationship with my boyfriend, I don't want to experience it ever again in the future. Being away with my hubby or with my child for a very long time, is now my new fear. I'm traumatized by experiencing long distance relationship with my soul mate.

That scene of Andy and his mom, reminded me of the day that my boyfriend was leaving the Philippines for the United States. My boyfriend's mom was just in their room and his dad went outside and said "go to your room and talk to your mom". His mom was crying. That was so sad. I can't imagine experiencing it.

Anyway going back to Toy Story 3, Disney movies just amaze me so much. Their animated movies do not just target young audience but they are for everyone. Just as in the Movie: UP, Toy Story 3 teaches us a lesson about our relationship between our sentimental things. It is nice to put value on to little things that we have. It is nice to have something remind us of our fondest memories. But there would always come certain circumstances that we have to learn to let go of these things because it is the better choice. Things that remind us of our best memories are wonderful but we should also remember that these memories are also kept forever in our head. So it doesn't matter if we don't have pictures or items to remind us of someone. We shouldn't fuss all over about it. What does matter is that we don't learn how to forget.

I should speak for myself because I am a very sentimental person. Heck, for my whole stay here in San Jose I've kept all the receipts from the purchases that me and my boyfriend had every time we went out. Is that silly? lol ...

Bottom line. I am sad that this might be the last Toy Story sequel. They had ended it. But it was a good end.

*tears* I love you Woody.

reach for the stars....

Sunday, August 22, 2010

70. santana row

Today, is another day at Santana Row.  Just like the last time I was here in San Jose, my boyfriend's aunt took me out for another date again. But this time, it was less shopping and more picture taking!! :)

Outdoor lunch.

The perfect ambiance...

Guacamole & Virgin Mojito
I like cocktail drinks, but it was too early for alcohol. So we ordered Virgin Mango Mojito. I've always ordered Mojito drinks in bars before, but I really couldn't taste it well because it basically just tastes like vodka with a little flavor. Now that I ordered a virgin drink (it means same recipe without the alcohol), I can finally taste what real Mojito tastes like.

It tastes like some sour juice with carbonated soda. *hihi* Even though it's Mango, it tastes like uhm... lime soda? .... My boyfriend's Aunt didn't like it. I did somehow. I like sour things.

On a side note, the guacamole was great :) ... Yum yum.

After lunch we took a stroll down Santana Row and took lots of pictures. But mostly we used my boyfriend's aunt's SLR, so the pictures would look more professional. Sadly she hasn't emailed it to me yet.. hihi

We wanted to take pictures with the gigantic chess set but the kids were playing it. So... darn it.

I had a wonderful day with my boyfriend's aunt today, just like the last time we were here. Can't wait to move to San Francisco and we will have more dates together, frequently. Yippee!!!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

69. a perfect day at the boardwalk santa cruz

I finally have the guts, mood, or energy to make this post. I've been putting it off for a long time already. (present date: August 31, 2010. date of blog: August 21, 2010.) I don't think I'm really in the mood for it but I am forcing myself to get it over with.

It's like I'm having a writer's block. How do I start blogging about my boyfriend and I's perfect and only date when I went back to Northern California last week. Oh sorry, rule #1.. all dates are final. So let me rephrase that, this was his only day off from work, thus we had a whole day together! This was actually what I was really looking forward for when I decided to book back to San Francisco. The money flying here was worth it.

We spent the whole day at the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz.

It was saturday, so there were a lot of people at the boardwalk today.

A lot of people at the beach side too :)

My souvenier.

My remembrance.
This day was just perfect..

Well. I couldn't really say that we spent the whole day walking along the boardwalk. That would be exhausting. We had to rent a room near it. Oh well, yes we just had to of course. The reasons behind it well, let me just say we needed some privacy. Heck, I'm sorry but long distance relationship isn't that easy when you need to satisfy your sexual urges. Just imagine the sacrifice of being apart right?

We had the whole afternoon and the whole room just for ourselves and we fvcked each other like I couldn't get enough of it. I wouldn't let him rest, even for awhile. We even had it on video on my cell phone. We had sex like it was our first and last time. Sad to say, it was our last time... until we meet again I guess, which was going to be probably next year. (noooooooo!!!)

My plan was really to stay for one more week, and hopefully next saturaday we'd have our whole day together again and get more hard core sex. Unfortunately...because I already had a hard time staying at my uncle's place because of the new born baby, I had to rebook earlier than my original departure.

You would probably think why can't I just stay at my boyfriend's apartment. Well, he's staying at his grandparent's place and since it was a secret that I was in town, of course I couldn't stay there.

Later that night, after our perfect date... I booked my flight to go home to L.A. on Tuesday.

Even though I haven't met with some of my friends here in the north, going back to L.A. sooner didn't make me feel bad... aside from because I only had to pay $16 for the itinerary changes... but because today was so perfect and I wanted to mark our last memories together just as it is. Perfect.

 Not fighting... unlike the last time when we separated.

Today was so perfect that I felt that it was already enough memories which will be good until we see each other again next year. That's why re-booking for an earlier flight wasn't really much against my will. The day was so perfect, that I will leave San Francisco happy and contented. Besides, I have a sex video on my phone and I will just take a look at it every time I get lonely.(hihi)

We had to learn to be contented right?... we shouldn't push it.
With all these unfortunate circumstances whenever we try to be together, the universe right now says, that we have to be apart. FUCK THE UNIVERSE!

Our time will come when we will be back together again.

And get some hard core banging :)

*ergo this is my 69th post*

Friday, August 20, 2010

68. anger management

Four symptoms you can't ignore:

Anger is something that we all deal with from time to time. Unfortunately, some people have more problems dealing with anger, than others. Here are 4 anger problem symptoms you can use to identify whether you might have an anger problem.

You Get Angry Often

If you get angry frequently, there's a good chance you may have some issues related to anger that need to be dealt with. When this happens one of the best things to do is give yourself time away from the things that are making you angry.

You're Always Defensive

Are you always getting defensive about something? Things like your work, your looks, your weight, how you talk, or anything else? Getting defensive and angry over things that make you defensive, is a sign you should evaluate things before reading too much into them. Otherwise, you'll find yourself getting angry over things that probably were taken out of context.

Any Little Thing Gets You Mad

Do the smallest things set you off? You know things like: getting stuck in traffic, your morning coffee is cold, or you get ketchup on your new shirt. There are worse things in life than spilling something on your shirt... although it can be annoying, it really doesn't justify the amount of anger, or attention, that it gets.

You Get Aggressive

Becoming aggressive when you're angry is one of the worst things you can do. It can be a marker of just how "out of control" your anger is. If you get aggressive when you get angry, even for small things, then you're endangering not only yourself, but those around you.

Recognizing anger problem symptoms is the first step in taking charge of your anger, before it begins damaging your life.

click here for the source of this article.

I finally got aware that I had a psychological problem when I was already hurting the people that I love. Well... he's just one. I meant, I'm just hurting one person. And that is my boyfriend.

Ever since I went here to the states... there had been a lot of instances already and could be something like we were already breaking up. This anger management problem used to concern for him only. But now, I know that I'm the one who has a problem controlling my anger. And I really do stupid things and say stupid things that make things worst. I feel that I'm hurt that's why I'm angry, but then I know in the end I'm really hurting my boyfriend too. I know he really doesn't want to break up with me because when there are times that I say that I give up and I don't want to suffer any longer. He insists on making me promise to do something to make our relationship better. Even though when I say "No, I can't do it anymore. I give up. There's no point already. It's my fault. Let's stop this". He doesn't listen or agree with me. But instead he insists on telling me on what I shouldn't do next time.

Even if... I do the same mistakes again and again....

Even if... I make the mistake a few minutes after he just told me not to do it.

He will just again (and again), remind me that he has been telling me not to shout and to control my emotions.

What the fuck is wrong with me????? Is this the effect of the situations that's happening to me??? I am so not like this! and I'm supposed to be a teacher! I should have the longest patience.

I guess being a psychology major, I need to research on this myself. The least I could do before I end up hurting my boyfriend even more.

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