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Sunday, August 8, 2010

54. the responsible me starts kickin' in again and ruining everything (a quarter life crisis entry)

If you are in a quarter-life too, please take time in reading this and i REALLY appreciate comments now. Thanks.

But before you continue, press play on this video first. You'll need the background song. lol
(but of course you have to pause my playlist, it's located at the very bottom=))




I went to church today and started reflecting on what I have been doing for the past 2 months.
Am I having fun? or am I just wasting my time?


August is my 3rd month here in the United States and for the past week I have been waking up past 12 noon and glued to the internet for the rest of the day. I have probably wasted exactly 7 consecutive days in exchange for virtual activities that won't make me earn money anyway. (and no, please do not advice paid blogging.)


What I'm saying is that I have been so lazy for the past days and I am getting used to it. 

What's going on?? I have to break this habit.


Although in a matter of 5 days, I will be in San Francisco again. It hasn't really sunk on to me that I will be seeing my boyfriend by the end of the week. (This idea should excite me right?)

But I've been worrying too much with the question I just said above.
Am I having fun? or am I just wasting my time?

August in other words, is my 3rd month being a Bum.

So by the end of the week, I'll be in San Francisco, hopefully be doing something worthwhile every day.


After 2 weeks I'll be back in LA and that would be September already.

A week after that, my whole family will be here in the U.S. too and hopefully I'll be doing something worthwhile every day.

When my family leaves and goes back to Manila, it will be October already. My dad will be staying here with me and hopefully I'll be doing something worthwhile every day.

By November, I'll be preparing myself to go back to Philippines and in no time 2010 would have ended.

I'll be going back to school again to continue my masters and I'll be back in the Job hunting arena again. How will I explain them my 7-months unemployment? I'm pursuing in the field of education. Will any good school hire me after being a bum for a whole school year?

When I left the Philippines, I already knew that this will be the kind of situation I will be in when I go back home. Of course, when I decided to go here I had a purpose.

One of them is to see my boyfriend, that was already given.

Second would be family changes. Things hasn't been going on with my family with regarding to relationships. Nor was I pretty open with them. I would normally have my own life in my own room. The relationship within each other wasn't that really ideal too. So I had to break the habits and make a change in the household. Somebody leaving the house was a good start. Not only with relationships but with the entire house too! I've heard they are making renovations in the house (and made my room a storage room) and they even brought my car to the shop to make it better it as well. I've been frequently chatting with my mom, dad, and sister now updating life-bits which I NORMALLY DO NOT do back home. My dad learning to give me independence and letting me learn life on my own was a big step for a very over-protective father to do.


Third purpose, and the heaviest reason why I really wanted this ultimate vacation, was for personal development. I'm the type of person who is very dependent on staying within the comfort zone. But I also know, where is the growth there? I had to make a big step a big change in the environment to make room for growth and development. Like a goldfish, if you place it in a small bowl it will only grow a size proportion to the bowl, but if you put it in a bigger aquarium the size of the gold fish will be bigger than the ones in the bowl.

Soul searching. Others may have put it to that.

So have I fulfilled my purpose? Probably yes. I've been with my boyfriend. And my whole family is finally having a vacation in the United States after 10yrs. But for the third purpose? ... I'm not yet sure if I have "fully" developed a "new" personality, but I have had my experiences. Like being questioned at the immigration port of entry and being rejected a canadian visa by the consulate (traveling young and single is a very hard thing to do! they will always think you will over-stay) and the lessons I've learned whenever my boyfriend and I fight.

I graduated college at a very young age. I graduated at the age of 20. And as same as my other classmates, we are all encountering this quarter life crisis and none of which have really stayed in one job and did not complain.

When I was in Manila, I have experienced being down whenever I realize that all my classmates have jobs and I don't. Although they envy me because I am not stressed, I stress myself because I feel so irresponsible.

I believed that I'd rather take a time off in thinking what I really want to do and where I really want to work instead of venturing out into the field and accepting the next job offer that comes in. I have rejected a lot of good offers and I have regretted a lot of them too. But I believed that it would be better to waste a few months off thinking of what I want to do and where I want to be, rather than ending up wasting a lot of years in the wrong job.

Makes sense right?

I've always said that to myself, and the fact that I just wrote it means I am still aware.

But my reflection today has led me to worries. If you must know, I was a very responsible student when I was in school. I was in the dean's list but not a geek. I graduated with honors but I had a social life. I was so prompt in deadlines, and even better I was always advanced. My friends always said that I give myself to much self-pressure, but I was like that. I was like a perfectionist. I had to get that A. I had to maintain a grade.

And when you graduate, you will really realize the difference of school and the so called "real world". What you really learned in school, doesn't help much. But your experience with it will. And so the same pressure I gave myself in school was still present with the pressure I gave myself when I had my first job. Only the difference now is that, its my boss telling me that I'm giving myself too much self-pressure.

I hate myself for being so "responsible"


WHY?


Because now, I'm giving myself too much negative emotions that I feel that I'm wasting my time here in the states. The conscience that I had left in the Philippines, just arrived today. And now it's saying the same words again

"What are you doing? You should be working. That's the responsible thing to do".


I hate it when my conscience does that! .... But I hear my classmates all complaining about their jobs and lives right now and that they don't have that much of savings despite of working for 3 years. They would just do anything to have what I have right now, and now I'm complaining because I have it. I'm nuts right?

But it's just because I'm so used to being responsible, that any idle time put to waste is just a waste for me. How I envy my friends who haven't even graduated yet! They've failed in school. They've moved schools. They've stopped for a while. They've gone underload. and they are still getting allowances.

As I said, it's your experience in school that will truly help you in real life. And my friends who haven't graduated yet are getting so much experiences, that I envy them. Experience of failure is one of them. I realized that somehow failing in school is one experience that we should have experienced. Because it will teach us the lesson of getting over, and moving on.

Now I feel so much like I'm failing life, and I'm going crazy because I've never really dared failing a subject back in my school days.


Sometimes they tell me, they already want to graduate and work. Sometimes I tell them, don't. Enjoy. Maybe because we (my friends who graduated already and I) graduated so young that we really didn't have so much time to enjoy our college life to the maximum. We had such short time and now were are doing "grown-up" stuff.

And my experience of being so Ms. Responsible, is not helping me with my Bum life now. I want to be bum. I want this. But why is it so hard? Why does conscience have to kill me? ... I'm such a worry wart. yes...

I guess I'll just have to think "Screw you conscience, I'll be with my boyfriend by the end of the week and it will be the most irresponsible thing I will do in my life. Spending my life savings and choosing my boyfriend over my career. Yes, I want to be irresponsible for once in my life. So sue me."


Anyway, I've been listening to this song again and again. This inspires me and makes me fall in love all over again. Why? because this is the same song that my boyfriend plays in his car again and again.
It's just perfect for our long drives too. I miss you babe. I'll see you in 5 days. I love you so much!


I hope you had a happy time listening :)

12 comments:

  1. wow. this post really hit home. I just graduate from college in May. I moved away from my home to live with my boyfriend. For the past three months I have done very little with my time. But I don't see it as wasted because I NEEDED it. I needed to escape the pressures of school. The pressures of work. I needed time to self reflect and to grow. It wasn't until a few nights ago that I had an awakening and now I feel so much gratitude for choosing to 'waste away' these couple of months. I, like you, have always been responsible. I made Dean's every semester. I didn't have a social life either because while I was in school I worked full time. I worked my bum off the past five years and hell I deserve to do nothing for a couple of months.

    I think in the near future you will come to be thankful for this time as well. You need to let go of the harsh attitudes toward yourself first of all. Enjoy this time where you can really truly reflect on what YOU really want from your life. Not what others want from you or for you. It is your time to shine my dear!

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  2. First of all, have to correct you on my post, i had some socializing during my college years. lol. that's why it was just like balance. a very good juggling of school work and social events.

    anyway. THANK you sam for taking time reading and replying :) i appreciate it so much... Sometimes, its just I'm having too much ME time and to much THINKING that it's already unhealthy, you know? lol my friends and boyfriend always tell me that "i think too much" and that's my weakness... i do think too much then i end up over analyzing and making myself feel bad.

    stupid me.. lol

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  3. this was a great read for me, and i'm glad to have heard you insight.

    my parents always tell me that i think too much and, coupled with my somewhat childhood-rooted lack of self-confidence, i'm always left making myself feel bad. i still do this, and most of the time i end up agreeing with myself.

    but part of myself also says to leave behind this uncertainly and learn to grow from it. now, i'm not sure how to grow from it exactly, but i think i have to start with building on my strengths.

    i'm going to be a junior in college, and had spent the summer traveling and seeing relatives/friends in china. while i had learned a lot from the people i met there, it was a difference experience from the internships and summer jobs my friends were going through. it's a bit embarrassing when you seem to be the only unemployed person.

    but, from this summer, i've learned to go after what i enjoy doing, and that is art and writing. thus, i'm currently forming a school newspaper/blog staff, and starting a custom-design t-shirt shop with my friend. i hope it works out!

    i guess what i'm trying to say, amidst all this rambling, is to go after what you love. if you love being with your boyfriend, then go after it. even if it feels like a comfort zone, i think you will experience new challenges and such. they would be even more meaningful too, since you're doing something you love.

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  4. thanks jacky :) that was really inspiring. im lost for words.

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  5. You know, I have friends who graduated and ended up doing something entirely different from what they originally set out to do. I have friends who are doing exactly what they went to school for. I also have friends who aren't doing anything. I don't think happiness lies in a job or in money. You can hate your job but still be happy. You can love your job and still be unsuccessful with life and love. It's all a mindset, and how we choose to deal with whatever comes our way.

    My advice? You're obviously a smart chick, because you were able to graduate at such a young age. Maybe you're right and your young self is rebelling against having had to miss out on so much. Either way, I say follow your heart, and tell your head to give it a rest. If your heart tells you to do one thing, just go with it. You can always change your mind later.

    Six years ago I was in college and was just completely burnt out. I had made school my whole focus for so long, and I was just tired of missing out on everything else. So I did the unexpected. I decided to take a break from school. I moved to Tennessee to spend time with my family there. I made new friends, started a new job (something I never thought I would EVER do), pretty much made a whole new life for myself. After a year, I was ready to try something else. I came back to Louisiana, started working for an attorney and decided to just work for money, and spend the rest of my time having fun.

    I did that, and eventually met the love of my life. We got married and had two beautiful baby girls. My oldest turned two in January, and I decided it was time for me to go back to school. So next week I'll be starting back. Six years later. I could berate myself for taking so long to go back and finish, but I won't. I learned so many new things and had experiences that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't just followed my heart. I would be a completely different person today if I had just sucked it up and stayed at school. As it stands, I live a happy and fulfilled life, and am thrilled to be a college student/wife/mom.

    Life's too short to second-guess and debate. Be reckless, spontaneous and have fun. So what if you work at a coffee shop or a laundromat? You might just meet some of the most awesome people ever working there.

    That's all I've got. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you jess!!! made me feel better for deciding to stop school for awhile!! I've had days that I would regret quitting my masters and that I so wanted to have my vacation... I was hoping that when I finally go back to school I'll be super ready for it too.

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  7. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I will have to do some reading and get caught up on yours! :)

    Amanda

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  8. Hi there, just stopping by to say hi. I am putting up your button in my Spotlight section for this week. Hopefully you will receive some new visitors to add to your flag collection. :) Will be back again soon.

    Marie The Things We Find Inside

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  9. hotcakes,

    you're young trust me you have a lot of time at hand. maybe you're feeling that way because you're used to having non stop activities. You know when your the responsible kid at school you're always never idle. You're just in a transition and I think you deserve a break. Just conceptualize a plan when you get back here in Manila about you're next move. graduate school and finding a job is a good plan to start with anyway. You're smart and capable so you'll do fine!

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  10. I can agree with this on many levels. I just recently graduated from college and my life is taking me in a direction completely different than anything I would have ever imagined. It half way sucks because I spent 4 years in college to obtain a degree that I don't really have a strong desire to use. I'm sure that happens to many people lol. But I would say taking a break is a good idea for a lot of people. Once you get burnt out on school/work/whatever, it becomes harder and harder to continue doing your best. So in my opinion...breaks are goooood! :D

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  11. Thank you so much Hannah and Darell :)

    that makes me feel better. having back up :)

    ReplyDelete

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