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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

75. i left my heart in san francisco

"High on a hill it calls to me
To be where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars.
The morning fog may chill the air, I don't care.
My love waits there in San Francisco, above the blue and windy sea,
When I come home to you, San Francisco, your golden sun will shine for me."

I'm home back in L.A.

And man does it feel great to be back.

When my boyfriend dropped me at the San Francisco airport earlier today, I almost cried. But since I swore myself not to, I held it up inside of me. Yeah, I may have shed a tear or two. He said, don't cry. When I was about to enter the airport he asked for a hug and a kiss. I thought I would be able to hug him tight before I leave but I didn't. Instead my boyfriend gave me a loose hug and I gave him a smack on his lips. All along I did not dare to look at him, more so look at his eyes. I had to be strong for him.

I wanted to cry. But I no longer wanted to feel bad for myself.

I sat at a window seat and while the airplane took off, all I could say was "Good Bye San Francisco".

I don't know when or where I will see my boyfriend again. It probably might be months from now or even next year. I'm not sure if we'd still see each other here in the states. But most probably I will have to wait for next summer when he comes to visit Manila. I'm not sure.

Short was my return to San Francisco may be, I did a good job. Yes we have fought almost every time that we saw each other, but our separation was beautiful. Enough to say to ourselves, that this relationship is a keeper. I think I just fell in love all over again.

When I finally arrived at my grandparent's place here in Los Angeles, I started to feel this weird feeling. I felt that I never left the house and this past week was just in my dreams. I couldn't believe that earlier today I was just in San Jose at my uncle's house. And I couldn't believe that for the past days I was able to see my boyfriend again. I feel like I never took my eyes off the computer. I feel like I never left my room or the house. It's either that, or I've been gone for like a month.

Is this how you feel when you leave your heart in San Francisco? Part of you is left behind and you wouldn't know where you really are or where you really have been. While waiting for my plane to board, my boyfriend and I were sending messages to each other.

Me: I love you babe... I'll miss you.

Boyfriend: Love you too.

Me: Take care of yourself.

Boyfriend: Take care of yourself too.

Me: I'm stopping myself from shedding tears. We're about to board in 5 minutes.

Boyfriend: Okay, call me when you get there. Love you babe. See you again.

See me again? ... when? ... next year? .... It's a good thing that as I write this down, my mind is still preoccupied. Too preoccupied to let it sink in that I will be lonely again for the next months. I hope my mind keeps itself that way. I don't want to feel any day of loneliness anymore. I don't want to think that I will never see my boyfriend again until for 8-12 months. I just want to feel that I'm just lazy. Lazy to go out. And to feel that my laziness is stopping me to see my boyfriend who could be just around the corner.

Living one day at a time. Until days turns into weeks. And weeks turn into months. And months turn to the day that my boyfriend and I will be back again. I will come back, San Francisco. And this time you better be good to me.

"My love waits there in San Francisco, above the blue and windy sea,
When I come home to you, San Francisco, your golden sun will shine for me."


  1. Long distance relationships suck the big one. I always wonder, is it worth it? The pain and anguish they can cause always seems to outweigh the positive. But when it's a case of love, all the positives seem to outweigh the negative.

  2. My thoughts are nearly identical to Emily's. From the outside (and having mostly forgotten the short-lived LDR I attempted many years ago), it doesn't seem worth it. However, the distance could be what makes the relationship stronger in the end. I guess we'll have to wait and see. :)

  3. Thanks Emily & Jess :)

    you girls seem to be really tuning into my blog posts like my life's a soap! lol :)

    sorry little behind, some of it are still in drafts. i want to refrain from just blabbing and posting rants. hehe

    anyway.. thank you as well for keeping me company! :)

  4. Thanks for following me! My husband is stationed at Beale AFB in Yuba City. We don't live on base, but in a small town outside the base. We're about 40ish minutes away from Sacramento!

  5. Saying goodbye is always tough, but long distance won't be forever, and it's worth it for true love! I have been there ~ Stay strong girl!


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