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Monday, August 23, 2010

74. i'm leaving my heart in san francisco

Tonight is my last night in North California.

I had to cut my trip short due to certain circumstances. But it was the best decision to change my flight last Saturday while I was still paying only additional $16 compare to $80.

It was a good decision, to just fly back to L.A.

Things around here aren't going smoothly as I expected. It really isn't the time for me and my boyfriend to spend time with each other. I have to learn to accept the fact that our life as of the moment, is meant for spending time apart. I have to stop pushing things. I have to stop trying to manipulate situation just to get what I want. I have to give in. But it doesn't mean I'm giving up on our relationship, it's just I'm giving in to the situation and I will wait for the right time for us to be back again in each other arms.

Sometimes, I tell him... "I wish you never had to leave. I wish we could just continue with our lives in Manila." And he would always answer... "This is for our future".

To be honest, I am flattered when people say that to me... "OUR" future. It means whatever sacrifices he is doing now, is towards to his better future which includes me in it. However, whenever he says that, I always tell him "It's your future, we're not really sure that I'm going to benefit from it". Because realistically speaking right? After all these sacrifices, am I really going to be the one to benefit from it? Is it me that he's going to end up with?

Well, I want to. And for him to say that, I guess he wants me to be in his future too.

I just finished watching the movie 17 Again, and I just started thinking about what me and my boyfriend are experiencing now. If you haven't watched the movie yet, I'd tell you a little bit of what it's about so you would know what I'm talking about. The movie is about a boy named Mike, who had a chance to be 17 again. He wanted to go back to his highschool because he had a feeling of regret for choosing to marry his girlfriend over getting that basketball scholarship ticket to college. As he stated it, he grew up, lost his track, and started blaming everything about his current status in life to his wife. He would always say, "if I went to college...". And now, they were in a middle of getting a divorce because of that.

Going back to my boyfriend, it suddenly made me realize what the point of this LDR is for. This is for our future. This is what my boyfriend always wanted. He wanted to start his future here in the United States. That was a plan that he had even before he met me. I had no right to stop him from that. I remember the first few days when we were dating he openly discussed a topic about his future plans,

"When I graduate college, I'm going to the states."

I was like, "oh Okay".

He was like, "And when I say, I'm going there... I'll be there for a long time. I just want to tell you this, so that when the time comes we won't have any problems about my plan."

I was like, "oh Okay, then I'll go there"

To be honest, we were just starting to date and I felt a funny feeling for him to tell me that. It seemed that he did expect for us to last longer. Why would he tell me that so early? How would he know that by the time he leaves for the states we will still be together? I should be happy then. Because he already thought about including me and having a long distance relationship. Rather than just dating me while he is in Manila and then break up when he leaves.

The movie 17 Again, ended with a nice lesson that decisions made in the past shouldn't be regretted. But since I still have the decision right now, I'd rather not push it and force us to be physically together. I will wait. I will trust. And I will think that we are doing this sacrifice for our future. So that when the right time arrives and he comes back to get me. There will be no 'pointing fingers'. There will only be appreciation and happily reaping fruits of labor. None of us will be saying "if only's" but both of us will say "it was all worth it".

So tomorrow... Just as my luck, my boyfriend's driving license has just expired. I don't know how my boyfriend and I will see each other, but I'm banking on it since I'm depending on him to pick me up here in San Jose and drive me to the San Francisco airport. So he must find a way to get here.

And to see me.. for the last time.

I hate goodbyes. This will be the same feeling I had when he left in the Philippines last February. I would isolate myself and stay inside my car, crying my heart out because I couldn't believe it was happening. I knew that day was going to happen but I couldn't believe it was already happening. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. Long Distance Relationship?!

Tomorrow. Even though crying it out makes me feel better than holding it in. I will promise myself that I will not cry. I don't want my boyfriend and I to separate with his last memory of me, crying. We had a nice date at Santa Cruz Boardwalk last Saturday and that was enough for me to go keep and bring back to L.A.

Our original plan was to spend 3 whole Saturdays together (his only day off from work).
We ended up just spending one. But it was a great one.

I will miss him.

I will promise, not to cry.

I will think that we are just in the same state.

I could see him again. (even though it is impossible because of work and other circumstances)

But I will THINK that I COULD see him again.

I will just be 6 hours drive away.

I will just think about that.

It's not that far.

1 comment:

  1. Hopefully the two of you can make plans and prepare for the future together, and in the end your relationship will be so much stronger for having endured the long distance.


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